


Spillage of the Brain (and coffee)

by ThatFrothingSpy



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Funny, Gen, Minor Character Death, Spilled coffee, drunk Soldier, he's very lonely, taunt fail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-28 15:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19814719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatFrothingSpy/pseuds/ThatFrothingSpy
Summary: When Soldier gets lonely and drinks until his eyes roll back, he meets a new friend in respawn. Only to kill him a few minutes later.





	Spillage of the Brain (and coffee)

"Damn!" Jane yelled as he toddled up to the respawn door, with a quarter of beer left in a bottle in his hand. It was 6:00 P.M, and the sun was already setting. It was just the soldier there, no one else was around to interact with. Ludwig and Misha were on the other side of the fortress. Spy, Mundy, and Dell were out possibly screwing around in town. McTavish, Jeremy and the Pyro were in their rooms. Jane was working on his fifth beer this evening. With a big guy like him, there could be a big nasty shadow coming to the door, but when he was drunk, all that would come in the door was a yapping, cussing, screaming marshmallow.  
Jane pounded his hand on the respawn door, causing it to slide up in response. He walked through the entrance only to have his eardrums pound after it slammed shut. He launched his bottle at the door, only to fall on the ground laughing as he watched the bottle bounce one, twice, then finally shatter after the third bounce on the tile floor. He was wheezing until he saw the most beautiful thing sitting on the bench near the cubbyholes.  
It was a medium size cup of iced coffee, just sitting there waiting for a sip to be taken from it. There were dark brown stripes of chocolate syrup on the sides of the cup, with a plentiful amount of whip cream on the top, plus two peppermint sticks poking out of the top of the cream. Stripes of chocolate covered that, too. A very pretty red and gold bow was tied around it, like it was a limited edition kind of coffee. Jane's eyes widened as he kneeled down and took the top off the cup carefully, not wanting to mess up how wonderful this coffee was looking tonight. He noticed that the coffee was still cold, like it had just been made. Jane laughed goofily as he gazed at the coffee with lidded eyes. He took his pinky finger and drew a smiley face on the small mound of whip cream. The man had just created his new friend.  
"Kursed Krew. Who needs 'em? I don't need no fat-ass country man and two foreign tree branches to have fun, do I? All I need is you." The Soldier said, cocking his head to the right with his glossed eyes. "Say! You wanna learn to dance? I'll teach ya this little one. It's simple!" His voice wobbily as he shuffled to get up onto the bench. The grown man was going to teach a cup of coffee to do the Kazotsky Kick. "You squat a little like... Like this.." The man tried to get as low as he could before he actually fell on his bum, making the bench creak violently. "Well.. uh... That wasn't supposed to happen.." He got up again, this time getting his position correct. "And then yooouu... Choose a foot and... **KICK!"** The soldier did just that a bit too close, as he sent the cup of coffee flying across respawn, making it splash all over the floor and on his boots. The bench broke at the same time, causing the man to fall right on his back.  
Jane sat up and looked at his boots, then looked at the spilled coffee. He repeated this procedure for a minute until he realized in horror that he killed his only friend and shrieked! **"NOOOOOO! OH MY GOD, I'M SOOOO SOOORRRRY!"** He sobbed as he leaped off the pieces of bench and over to the coffee on the floor. He choked on his tears and his own voice was breaking. He fell right into the mess while bawling his eyes out and rolled around in it. All he was doing was trying to teach his friend how to do a popular taunt, but ended up killing him in the process. The sobs died down as he was slowly getting sleepier and sleepier...  
"Hooh! I could veally use a dvink vight now!" Ludwig said as he washed his hands with Misha. They had just got done with planting all sorts of flowers and vegetables in their garden. "Heavy has surprise for you in respawn!" Misha said with a grin as he turned off the water faucet. The two grabbed paper towels and dried their hands while leaving the bathroom. Once they made it to respawn, Misha opened the door to an unsightly scene. Broken bottle glass met them right at the entrance while a bench was broken in half and their soldier was sleeping in Medic's coffee. The Russian put his hands on his face and screamed, like the kid from Home Alone. Medic could only stand and stare and take note that when you're drunk, you sleep like a damn rock.


End file.
